EVEN THE STRONGEST SOMETIMES FREEZE
The older I’ve gotten the more I’ve begun to realize that our reaction to a situation can be almost as upsetting as the situation itself. This especially applies to circumstances where people, most often women, have to deal with unwanted touching, harassment, or assault. The action of having our space or body be physically violated is jarring and can lead to an unexpected reaction - freezing. I recently had an unpleasant experience involving this.
The other day I was at the pool and two guys came in with their kids. The kids were more behaving themselves but the fathers were being slightly obnoxious as I was recoding for TikTok. They were jumping around behind me while I danced but I decided to just ignore them. Then they were playing Marco polo and he “jokingly” grabbed me. After my startled yelp he went over to his friend and they had an amused chuckle about what happened.
Why do men feel like they can just access our bodies whenever they want? I feel that many women have to deal with this but I feel that it’s especially prevalent for larger bodied women. It’s as though because we’re bigger they instantly expect us to be appreciative of their attention no matter how inappropriate they are being. It's so frustrating. There was nothing about my body language or words that would indicate I was comfortable with him with him entering my personal space and putting his hands on me.
After my initial shock wore off I became quite upset. I wasn’t upset about where he touched me but the fact that he felt okay being in my space uninvited. I also felt that I should have handled the situation better. This made me feel embarrassed, which led to me feeling happy to no one else witnessed it. Then I reminded myself that I wasn’t the one at fault in this station. So often women don’t talk about negative experiences they have because of the embarrassment they feel about at how they handled the situation. This leads them to never say anything or to wait an extended period of time before speaking up.
For me the embarrassment came not only from my lack of response to his actions but also from realizing that I may not have had as much growth over the years as I thought I did. When I was in college I was sexually harassed regularly by phone of my bosses. He would frequently made lewd suggestions or invade my space in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. I hated it but I was so worried I’d get fired that I didn’t say anything. I even tried to laugh it off as I told older women in my life what was happening. They laughed as well which internally confirmed for me that maybe I was blowing things out of proportion with the way I was feeling. Years later I now realize that my feelings were very much valid. I’m not sure why none of the adult women I spoke to about the situation didn’t do anything or encourage me to stand up for myself but I acknowledge that times were a bit different back then.
Since that experience I’ve worked on finding my voice and standing up for myself when I feel uncomfortable. I’ve read the books, watching the videos, said the affirmations, reposted the memes, basically all the thing I could to embrace being a strong confident feminist woman. So imagine my disappointment with myself when, after years of putting in work, the minute I was presented a situation that tests all that work and I fail the test by reacting like the “old me”. Meek.
Thankfully this was just a minor incident but unfortunately, I've had it happen previously in various ways and I know I'm not the only one. It's uncomfortable to talk about but I know I always feel seen when I hear someone discuss having gone through a similar situation. So I posted my video about the experience with the hopes that it would resonate with at least one person and help them know they’re not alone if they’re dealing with something similar. I’m so incredibly blessed because once I spoke up I got what many women do not – instant support. After I got the courage to post about what happened so many women left touching comments or sent DMs.
They shared that freezing in an uncomfortable moment is not uncommon:
“The part where you talk about freezing and regretting that you didn’t do more is so relatable. We all think we’d act in that moment, until it happens to us and then you’re just too shocked to do anything. And then we beat ourselves up over it for years to come whenever you get flashbacks or memories. “
“We all think we’d act in that moment, until it happens to us and then you’re just too shocked to do anything. And then we beat ourselves up over it for years to come whenever you get flashbacks or memories. So terrible. “
“We all need to get better about acknowledging that even the strongest of the strong freeze. The other person takes advantage of the situation or gets away with more than they should have. Even in those situations you still did nothing wrong.”
They also gave me their insight on why they thought he had the audacity to touch me:
“I think women are surprised by the gall of someone assuming it's their right to touch another without asking first, partly because it's not something you would naturally assume you could do, and for white guys because in society's hierarchy they are at the top, so their position doesn't demand of them to think whether it's appropriate or not. “
“Some people lack social awareness. He probably thought you looked like you were having a lot of fun. Instead of being like a normal human being and waiting to ask you what you were doing, he decided to involve himself in your fun and assume that you wanted to participate in his fun without your consent.”
They let me know that though it was not a sexual assault or harassment my feelings were still valid and I shouldn’t be dismissive of what happened:
“It’s not a small thing he had no right to invade your space. I have been there and responded the same way. It's difficult to know how to respond at times because you never know what extreme response you may receive.”
“That man had NO right to come into your personal WITHOUT your permission, you deserve to be upset and ANY reaction you had is VALID. I 10000% agree we need to NORMALIZE reactions to unwanted behaviors. Whether you freeze or react violently or shy away from the experience until you're ready to speak on it.”
Most importantly, they reminded me to, “Give yourself grace” and “always speak up for yourself, set your boundaries, and command your personal space.” Those are the same words I’d like to reiterate to you and anyone else who’s been in a similar situation. Remember that the inappropriate actions of others are not a reflection on you. Don’t berate yourself over how you reacted to a negative situation and don’t victim blame yourself. I’ll say it one more time – give yourself grace. Stay strong and stay resilient.